Casual sex isn’t inherently harmful but for some people, overlooking personal needs or emotional boundaries can take an emotional toll.
Despite the promise of freedom and easy intimacy, hookups don’t always feel empowering and for some women, they can lead to unexpected feelings of depletion.
DW spoke to several women from North America, Europe and parts of Asia who spoke of hookups that gave feelings of short-term confidence but also made deeper intimacy harder.
Heather, a 40-year-old woman from the US, describes this tension as leaving her feeling "empty, sad, and temporarily empowered, but always craving more." When engaging in casual sex, she regularly tried to turn off her emotions, which felt like "cutting off a part" of herself.
Her description of the negative side of hookup culture is consistent with a little-researched condition called postcoital dysphoria (PCD), where people report negative emotions like tearfulness, sadness, or irritability after sex.
In a 2020 study, women reported experiencing these symptoms after consensual sexual activity or masturbation — some said the feelings occurred only after orgasm — and described feeling drained or emotionally off in the hours or days afterward.
Men also report PCD, but historic stigma around female sexual autonomy and personal expectations, has seen some research surveys report as many as three in four women having PCD from casual encounters.
Motivations are mixed, and so are the results
"I think I was not made for the hookup culture," said Ishta, a French-Indian woman in her thirties. "I crave connection more than sex. I’d often hope a [sexual] partner would develop feelings for me, or that we’d start dating."
Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon.
Some studies show women’s sexual desire can be shaped by a need for emotional closeness and relational cues, which can make detachment during sex difficult.
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University in the US, argues this is often due to the way women are raised.
"Women have been socialized since a young age to be caring, warm, and nurturing, qualities that are the opposite of being detached and unemotional. It’s significantly more difficult for women to embody detachment," said Suwinyattichaiporn.
Symptoms of PCD can emerge when desire for closeness is unrewarded. It can also be compounded by a person’s self-esteem.
Though not guaranteed, people with higher self-esteem who engage in casual sex can often avoid negative emotional effects.
"But many people, men and women, engage in it for external validation," Suwinyattichaiporn said.
This can in turn lead to distress about long-term dating, particularly if a meaningful relationship remains elusive.[MA9]
"I used to be extremely romantic, and now I feel like I play a role in front of men I want to hook up with," Ishta said, "I think I don’t trust people as much anymore."
Heather experienced an erosion of her self-worth and a negative attitude towards her potential sexual partners — a "belief that men were unreliable, sex-driven egomaniacs."
"In turn, I sometimes felt less valuable afterward, like I had been used," Heather said.
Mindfulness matters when it comes to breaking the pattern
Recent studies of predominantly North American couples have found those who were more mindful — meaning they paid attention to their sensations and emotions during sex, without judgment — reported better sexual function.
Suwinyattichaiporn said many casual encounters lack this awareness. By design, casual sex often skips the mindful connection that makes the experience emotionally grounding.
In contrast, she said hookups could be "emotionally numbing" for women and men.
"I explored polyamory fully and pushed myself to the edge, only to find myself depleted and destabilized … My nervous system couldn’t sustain it," said Heather.
Heather now wants consistent intimacy, not fleeting satisfaction from sex. But this clarity came only after honest self-reflection — a process that can help women make sense of casual sex experiences that sometimes contribute to emotional exhaustion or a dip in self-esteem.
For those experiencing emotional burnout, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests taking time away from partnered casual sex to create space to slow down and reflect on what they’re feeling and needing, without outside pressure.
"Ultimately you just want to be on your own for a bit while you work on yourself," she said.
Therapy or coaching can provide insight into attachment patterns and help rebuild a sense of self-worth that can be affected by emotionally taxing sexual experiences. Attachment patterns describe the ways people relate to themselves and others, shaped by early experiences, parental relationships, and the sense of security or insecurity developed in childhood.
Meditation can also support self-esteem and emotional resilience. Suwinyattichaiporn explains that it can help rebuild confidence, and that mindfulness practices offer similar benefits, a connection consistently backed by research.
Journaling and affirmations are additional tools. "Positive self-talk is extremely powerful, and it can change the way you see yourself and the world around you," Suwinyattichaiporn says.
These practices can help women restore confidence, avoid burnout, and make clearer choices about their sexual experiences.
